


We're Actually... We're Quite Close

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [4]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Humor, Awkward Conversations, Backstory, Banter, Bonding, Canon Backstory, Character Development, Companionable Snark, Cuddling & Snuggling, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Drama & Romance, Drugs Made Them Do It, Dubious Consent, Emotionally Repressed, Flirting, Friendship, I'm Sorry, Love Potion/Spell, Lust Potion/Spell, M/M, Male Slash, Massage, Missing Scene, Potions Accident, Protectiveness, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Sexual Repression, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Stargate, Team, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Teasing, Unrequited, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2018-12-19 07:08:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11892615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .Circumstances draw everyone on the team closer together. Especially John and Rodney..





	1. Like when I stupidly downloaded porn

**Author's Note:**

> _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _Conforms with existing Canon_ : Backstories fit perfectly into the plot lines & memorable dialogue in this re-envisioned story of the first 5 seasons. The second half of this series of stories takes place post-canon (after the end of the show).  
>   
> .  
> .  
> Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> -John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are members of a military unit fighting evil alien threats in the Pegasus galaxy. The other people on their team Teyla and Ronon are native to the Pegasus galaxy.  
> -Because the military is coordinating this large international expedition, those from Earth can often referred to by either their first or last names.  
> -Dr. Carson Beckett, the head of the medical department and is sometimes referred to as 'Carson' or 'Beckett'.  
> -Dr. Rodney McKay is a genius astrophysicist that is sometimes referred to as either 'McKay' or 'Rodney'; likewise Major John Sheppard, the team leader, may be referred to as either 'John' or 'Sheppard'.  
> -John Sheppard is also the military commander of their base of operations, an alien city-ship known as 'Atlantis'; he is second in command, reporting directly to the leader of the expedition (Dr. Elizabeth Weir).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John can't help being more protective when it comes to Rodney._  
> .

.  
.  


 

Over the last couple hours John hasn't had much to do but worry about Rodney. He knows why Elizabeth agreed to cooperate with the Hive ship Michael has aligned himself with, not that they'd had much of a choice.

 

He keeps finding himself walking towards Rodney's lab, as if he will still be there instead of up on the Wraith ship that is circling Atlantis. Jesus, Rodney had seemed downright gleeful about going up there, rambling on about how much he was learning about Wraith technology. At least Ronon is watching his back.

 

Absentmindedly John realizes that he's making two cups of coffee. Right. He's so used to bringing one for Rodney. It's a habit by now, an excuse to lean over his shoulder and annoy him while he works. Well, annoy is the wrong word. It's  more of a mutual game of banter the two of them engage in; just, it's usually john that wins.

 

Walking to the lab even though Rodney won't be there, John offers the coffee to Zelenka instead, "I know you guys have been burning the candle at both ends, so…" he trails off feeling like he should be the one up there protecting Rodney. 

 

"Any word from Rodney yet?" Zelenka asks.

 

John's stomach clenches and he avoids making eye contact, "I'm sure he's fine."

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Zelenka nodding and looking at him intently as he takes a gulp of coffee.

 

Feeling suddenly too transparent, John excuses himself. Rodney will be fine; Ronon will look out for him if anything goes wrong.

 

.  
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Ronon keeps a watchful eye on the Wraith that has been guiding them through the Hive. Everything about this temporary 'alliance' is wrong to him. No matter what the Wraith claim their intentions are for Carson's retrovirus, he can't really believe their endgame is to use it to transform enemy Hives into humans to feed on. The Wraith can't be trusted, there is something else going on here.

 

The Wraith stops and turns to face Rodney; Ronon readies himself to pounce if he makes one wrong move. The thing is asking Rodney if he's sure he'll be able modify it the delivery system.

 

"Hmm." Rodney's expression is self-assured, "Well, I know that you don't know me, so you couldn't possibly know this, but-"

 

Cutting in impatiently, Ronon answers, "The short answer is yes." The last thing they need right now is to hear one of Rodney's longwinded speeches about how smart he is.

 

"This way." The Wraith places a hand on Rodney's shoulder and Ronon lunges, throwing the creature up against the wall with a knife to its throat.

 

Rodney is babbling about something in the background but Ronon keeps his eyes on the enemy, "You don't touch him." He growls.

 

"He was guiding me down the hall, not sucking the life out of my shoulder." Rodney hisses at Ronon; then he apologizes to the thing, "We are sorry. Say you're sorry." he urges Ronon

 

Ignoring Rodney, Ronon backs up warily, sure that he will have cause to kill it later.

 

"That will not be necessary." the Wraith tells Rodney, "He was protecting his superior. I would have done the same."

 

"He's not my superior." Ronon keeps his eyes glued to the creature.

 

"Certainly…" Rodney's voice sounds smug.

 

Sensing Rodney is about to go into yet another one of those annoying speeches about how smart he is, Ronon gives him a look that tells him to shut up.

 

"not in _every_ sense." Rodney concludes.

 

Glowering at Rodney for a moment, Ronon turns his attention back to the Wraith. As soon as it steps out of earshot Ronon warns Rodney to keep his eyes sharp.

 

"What?" Rodney whispers, "This is the deal of the century, I've downloaded practically everything there is to know about their technology. Once I get back and go through all the data… Well, let's just say, if my research weren't classified, I'd be sure to get the Nobel prize."

 

Ronon shakes his head but keeps his eyes trained on the Wraith in the tunnel ahead of them, "What, they give out prizes for blowing up planets where you're from?"

 

"Why does everyone constantly bring that up?" Rodney fumes, "That solar system was uninhabited an I-. No, you know what forget it, you just do your caveman thing and I'll handle the science stuff."

 

A short while later the ship is rocked with a sudden explosion, and Ronon pulls out his pistol, telling Rodney to activate the emergency receiver.

 

"Oh no" Rodney looks at him in dread as he presses the unresponsive transmitter.

 

They are surrounded and Ronon tries to take them out but there are too many; he feels himself losing consciousness from the pulse stunners.

 

.  
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Oh God. How can this be happening? Rodney struggles inside the cocoon but it has him completely immobilized. The Wraith said the Hive is heading for Earth. How could they know where Earth is?

 

Stricken in horror, Rodney tries to think it through by speaking aloud, "They couldn't have…. Even if they somehow deduced the location of Earth, they still wouldn't be able to get there, not unless they…

 

They downloaded something along with one of the Hive ship plans… Aw, something like spyware. It's like when I stupidly downloaded porn…"

 

Rodney self-edits, remembering that Ronon is listening, "Music! When I downloaded music! "

 

Yeah, music. Not porn. There was something in those files he missed. Oh. This is all his fault. Rodney laments, "…It has to be… I did this. I'm responsible for the destruction of my planet."

 

"If anybody was going to do it, it'd be you." Ronon answers from the pod next to his.

 

"Thank you!" Rodney thrashes against the mesh of the cocoon, "Thank you so much for that!"

 

"Stop worrying about it now. Just focus." Ronon sounds too relaxed.

 

"Focus on what?" Rodney squawks, "What is there to focus on? I'm stuck in a cocoon."

 

"On getting out of here." Ronon whispers.

 

"Oh, right, of course!" Rodney is sarcastic, "Why didn't I think of that? Of course. Here it goes, um… No, still can't move… I'm pretty sure they're struggle-proof there, big guy."

 

Why does John like this this idiot so much? Something about him being the brother he never had… Rodney is glad he never had a brother.

 

God. There is nothing left but his own torturous thoughts to entertain him before his untimely demise… Why did he have to think about his porn collection now?

 

Dr. Rodney McKay… spent his last hours worrying about his porn, despite the fact that he was about to die.

 

Dr. Rodney McKay… died while obsessing about who was going to see his porn collection.

 

Half of it is pretty tame. But all that stuff about officers in the military, women who look suspiciously like Colonel Samantha Carter… men who like suspiciously like Colonel John Sheppard…

 

Oh God, he hasn't had sex since Sheppard fucked him back in Antarctica. That really WAS the last time. So pathetic. And what the hell was that anyway?

 

The more Rodney thinks about it the more bizarre it is that John ever slept with him in the first place. He seems to be completely straight, constantly attracted to women. He's pretty sure Sheppard isn't sleeping with any other guys. Or is he?

 

No one would ever have guessed that he and John had… There's still no explanation for what happened between them in Antarctica. Except maybe John was very sexually frustrated by the end of his time stationed there. Sheppard likes to keep people at arm's length, not get too close. Maybe Rodney was just an anonymous fuck he'd thought he'd never see again.

 

God, but then there was that blowjob he'd given John 6 months ago… He'd cum so hard for Rodney. John told him. _'I want it.'_  Or did Rodney make John say that? Rodney had been so much stronger at the time with the alien enzyme in his system, he'd overpowered him so easily. No, Rodney had let John go, given him the chance to stop it.

 

Maybe that is the kind of thing that turns John on. And John seemed so different around him after that, like Doranda never happened. Like he finally forgave Rodney for demanding his trust professionally… and then fucking up massively by blowing up a solar system. Rodney had thought the last legs of their connection had gone out over that but now John acts like everything between them is good.

 

No, more than good, he keeps toying with Rodney's emotions and acting like... Not that John wants him anymore, he just… Fuck. Why is he thinking about this. He's about to die and he's still obsessing about John. Damn it, he is not going to go out like this.

 

La, la, la… happy thoughts, bright blue skies…

 

La, la, la… destruction of Earth his fault….

 

La, la, la… everyone laughing about his porn…

 

La, la, la… brilliant scientist dies in obscurity….

 

La, la, la… soon to be eaten by a Wraith…

 

Rodney's head is a mess, nothing pleasant to be found there. 

 

After indulging in a full blown panic attack he finally feels spent and relaxes.

 

"Now you see," He murmurs to Ronon about the cocoons, "they're actually quite comfortable. Surprisingly warm, take all the pressure off the spine. I suppose they're as good a place as any to witness the end of humanity as we know it."

 

"You're wasting your energy talking." Ronon sounds out of breath.

 

"Okay," Rodney is permissive, "let's say a magic fairy comes down and grants you one wish and we break out. Then what, huh? We're still in the Hive. We're still traveling through hyperspace, probably in the massive void between our two galaxies where there aren't even planets, let alone Stargates.

 

What then, huh? We fly home on the wings of imagination? Is that what we do, Ronon?"

 

"You can sit here and die if you like, but I'm not giving up." Ronon says angrily.

 

"Oh, fine, I will." Rodney answers in a carefree manner.

 

"Fine!" Ronon growls with clenched teeth.

 

"I wonder what they'll do to us?" Rodney continues talking to himself, "Feed on us probably? I mean, that's what they do."

 

"It's not going to come to that." Ronon tells him.

 

"Maybe." Rodney feels sad. His voice gathers some cheer as he says, "Earth will probably mount some kind of defense, in which case I imagine death would be instantaneous…

 

Unless we're trapped on a deck with a fire or something, then we'd be burned alive. Well, burned alive or suffocate. I wonder which would be worse, life sucked out by the Wraith or burned alive? I honestly couldn't consider two worse options."

 

"Stop talking." Ronon whispers hoarsely.

 

"You know what? Make me!" Rodney feels unflappable right now, "What are you doing?" He hears the sound of something cutting through Ronon's cocoon.

 

Then Rodney spies the glint of a knife sawing its way through, "Where did you get that?"

 

Ronon is emerging, "I was trying to get my hands free so I could get to it."

 

"Would it have killed you to tell me?" Rodney complains.

 

Ronon gives a final grunt and breaks completely loose. He walks up to Rodney's cocoon, "Maybe I would have if you'd shut up for more than a minute."

 

"What?" Rodney's voice gets high pitched, "Don't just stand there, cut me loose!"

 

"Only if you put and end to all this, 'We're gonna die, there's no hope' talk." Ronon holds out the knife and bargains.

 

"Well, now there _is_ hope." Rodney proclaims.

 

"Ready?" Ronon places his blade.

 

"No!" Rodney feels scared again.

 

Ronon cuts anyway and Rodney tries to get out but is stuck on some tendrils, "God, a little help, would you?"

 

Finally, he wrests free with Ronon's aid. "Oh!" Rodney exclaims, "Oh, it's freezing out here!"

 

Unsympathetic, Ronon asks, "Would you prefer to go back in?"

 

"No." Rodney answers quietly.

 

"So, now what?" Ronon asks.

 

"What?" Rodney wrinkles up his nose.

 

"How do we get out of here?" Ronon elaborates.

 

Rodney begins, "Well, I don't…" he trails off and clamps his mouth shut.

 

"What?"

 

"You said no more death talk." Rodney reminds him.

 

.  
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.  
.

 

After rescuing Rodney and Ronon from the Wraith ship, John finds the Daedalus in shambles. No shields, out of nukes, drifting and venting atmosphere with only 9 hours of breathable air left.

 

Since Michael technically did help them in the end, claiming to be in the dark about the Hive's betrayal, John and Caldwell decide to listen to his plan. The disabled Wraith ship has the only breathable oxygen within light years and they can't risk the Hive making it to Earth or sharing the intel with others. Ultimately the only move they have is to retake the Wraith ship by using the retrovirus canisters to turn them into humanoids.

 

Michael reluctantly agrees to pilot the Wraith vessel once they get on board and they use his jamming codes to send in the retrovirus gas. John goes in with a strike team to make sure it's safe. There are bodies of transformed Wraith lying on the floor. Some of them are walking about pale and confused. John has his men find a holding chamber for the survivors and they bring the rest of the oxygen deprived Daedalus crew aboard the alien ship.

 

The next few days are rough. The crew has to make it back to Atlantis with very little food or water. John barely eats at all. He sets most of his rations aside for Rodney, since he is hypoglycemic.

 

Of course, he doesn't tell Rodney what he is doing. But John keeps a watchful eye on him and doles portions out when Rodney is looking especially jittery. Near the end of the trip, Rodney is in pretty bad shape.

 

Going to check on him, John finds Rodney working at a remote Wraith command center. 

 

"Hey, how you holding up"

 

Rodney just mumbles something incoherent in reply.

 

"You feeling okay?" John looks at him with concern.

 

"Course," Rodney waves his hand dismissively, "Just -M' irritable and hungry."

 

He leans over Rodney's shoulder to look at the alien characters. They make no sense to him but Rodney seems to be able to decipher them. Then he looks back at Rodney's face. His eyes are closing. No, they are fluttering…

 

Before John realizes what is happening, Rodney faints -or whatever- 'passes out'. John manages to catch him, softening the blow before he hits the floor.

 

Pulling Rodney up against the side of the console he checks his vitals, then presses the back of his hand against Rodney's cheek and forehead. His pulse is weak and he feels too cold. Too cold and pale.  

 

"McKay!" John shakes him by the shoulders, "Rodney! Wake up!"

 

"Mmm," Rodney's eyelids flutter, and he lifts a shaking hand; it must be the hypoglycemia. 

 

"McKay!" John tries to get him to regain consciousness, but Rodney can't sit up on his own; he guides him to lay down with his head propped up on John's legs.

 

Opening his vest pocket, John takes out what he has left, about a third of a Powerbar.

 

"Rodney… " John tries to wake him again.

 

"Rodney. Rodney! Come on!" He squeezes one of the shaking hands.

 

"You need to eat, buddy." He breaks a smaller chunk off the end and presses it into Rodney's palm, but Rodney can't hold onto it.

 

John closes his hand over Rodney's, pushing his fingers together around the bite of food.

 

"Rodney, Come on…" John urges, "Got some food here, you just need to-"

 

He lifts Rodney's hand to his mouth and shakes it, hoping Rodney will respond. "Food, Rodney. Eat!"  _Please, Rodney_

 

Then he feels his own fingers brushing Rodney's lips... They are so soft. 

 

John drops Rodney's hand and trails his finger along the top of Rodney's lip, and then across the lower one. He leans in and cups the side of Rodney's face, stroking it softly, "Wake up for me."

 

Now John is shaky, not just with fear that Rodney is going into shock but a sudden sense of something deeper, a desire he has tried to bury. As sickly as Rodney is, he is still beautiful, his face is so...

 

Swiping his thumb across Rodney's lips, John uses his other hand to push on the side of his jaw, coaxing his mouth to open, "There you go, buddy."

 

Rodney's lids flutter again, and John's thumb slides into the slight crease of the soft lips and gently opens then, placing a morsel of the food inside his mouth.

 

John whispers hoarsely into his ear. "You have to eat! Eat, Rodney!" 

 

He makes a small noise and seems to take notice, moving his lips. Rodney seems almost conscious now. 

 

"Yes, good. Eat." John encourages him, as Rodney's tongue moves.

 

With a hand under his chin, John rubs Rodney's throat while thumbing his lips, "Swallow for me."

 

And then he finally does. John breathes out a sigh of relief and breaks off another bite for him, "Okay. More."

 

This time Rodney's jaw moves chewing the food a bit before swallowing. 

 

As he continues to feed him, Rodney's eyes start to flicker half-open and he lifts a shaking hand in confusion. 

 

Hoping this will be enough to keep him medically stable, John feels a pang in his chest. He reaches out and takes the wavering hand in his. _Almost back to Atlantis. Let this be enough._

 

John keeps a firm grip on Rodney's palm as he finishes feeding him. 

 

Rodney is trying to open his eyes and John realizes that he has been making a rocking motion, swaying Rodney in his lap.  

 

"You with me?" John asks.

 

"Mmmm." Rodney gives a quiet moan.

 

"There you go, we got your blood sugar up a bit." 

 

"Wha- happen- ned?" Rodney looks up with his eyes barely open.

 

"You, ah… You passed out." John smiles.

 

Struggling to open his eyes, Rodney moves to get up.

 

"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa" John stops him, "Just, stay here for a minute."

 

"Thanks for… not saying the other thing." Rodney mumbles.

 

John smiles and lowers Rodney's hand down to his chest. It isn't shaking anymore. He should let go now… but he holds onto it, moving his fingers lightly over the back of Rodney's palm. He has always loved Rodney's hands; they are so expressive when he talks, his skin so soft.

 

Suddenly John has a flash of what he must look like. If someone walked in right now... He feels a flush a guilt even though it's easily explainable, isn't it? He really should let go of Rodney's hand. But he just wants to make sure Rodney is going to be okay. And John would hear if anyone were coming down the hall… 

 

Looking sleepy, Rodney's gazes up at John with a bewildered expression.

 

"How you holding up?" John smiles tightly.

 

Blinking a few times, Rodney just nods.

 

"Should be back home by the end of the day." John tells him, "Just… hold on till then, okay?"

 

Rodney gives another nod.

 

He can feel Rodney's hand trembling under his again. He thought Rodney had stopped shaking. His blood sugar must have crashed pretty hard. John keeps moving his fingers in a reassuring sway over Rodney's hand.

 

"Okay…" Rodney closes his eyes briefly and he opens them again, "Uh, the room is still spinning."

 

"Just give it a minute to kick in." John sweeps his fingers across Rodney's soft skin.

 

"I thought there wasn't anymore…" Rodney frowns with his eyes opening all the way, "food."

 

"Yeah, they found some." John lies, "But that's the last of it."

 

Giving John a strange look, Rodney sighs deeply, "I –I think I can get up now."

 

As Rodney struggles to his feet, John holds him steady. His hands move to Rodney's shoulders to assist him.

 

Then Rodney gives John the same strange look and tells him, "Okay. I can stand on my own."

 

When he lets go, Rodney wobbles, bracing himself against the console.

 

John reaches out, but Rodney gestures him back, "No, I'm good. I got it."

 

"Are you sure?" John asks with concern.

 

"Yep, I'm fine." Rodney turns his back to John, working on the console again.

 

"Blood sugar levels restored." He waves John away.

 

Conceding, John leaves to go check on the prisoners.

 

By the time they reach Atlantis John feels ready to pass out himself, but keeps his voice strong as he radios in, "Atlantis, this is Sheppard. Come in."

 

"John!?" Teyla sounds relieved on the other end.

 

Elizabeth chimes in, "You made it?"

 

John knows it is probably a shock, seeing all of them show up in a Wraith ship. He tells them, "We're out of food, water, and we haven't slept in days, but, yeah, we made it. So now would not be a good time to fire on us. After all, you wouldn't want to damage your new Hive ship."  


 

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Being sufficiently recovered from the recent ordeal, Rodney has spent weeks repairing the Daedalus. That and futilely trying to attempt to activate the Wraith ship. Because of Teyla's minute traces of Wraith DNA, she's the only one able to get the alien ship to respond at all. At first Rodney was creeped out being on the same ship with all those transformed Wraith in the hibernating cocoons. But since the power core of the Hive ship was so badly damaged, it couldn't  sustain them and they had to be moved.

 

Elizabeth decided that until they could come up with a better plan, they would ferry the transformed creatures to a distant planet without a Stargate. Carson goes with a contingent of guards, to give Michael and the others regular doses of the retrovirus where he can monitor their progress and try to perfect the drug.

 

It bothers Rodney to no end that all the information he 'downloaded' from the Hive ship was destroyed by an undetected virus in the software. Now he's got nothing to work with and he can't get the ship to work. And that annoying guy the IOA sent to interrogate them all certainly didn't help. What was his name? Woolsey. Such a jackass.

 

Stewing over his frustrations, Rodney returns to the control room and sees something even more disturbing. There is a Hive ship on long-range sensors headed straight for the planet where they left Carson and the prisoners. They begin to wonder if it could be possible that a large group of Wraith might be able to strengthen their telepathic links and send out a distress signal to another ship.

 

With the hyperdrive on the Daedalus still offline, they have no choice but to have Teyla try to pilot the Hive ship, even if it is so badly damaged that it won't survive a battle. The four of them arrive at the planet just ahead of the other Hive and are able to rescue Carson, but all other the Atlantis personnel have been killed by the reverting creatures.

 

When the fail-safe nuclear device they left behind does not detonate, they can only assume Michael managed to disable it. Since they can't risk the other Hive ship learning what Michael knows about them and Earth, they do the only thing they can with their scant abilities -launch the massive ship at the coordinates of the camp. Rodney only hopes that the explosion was able to destroy everything.

 

Now they just have to sit in their cloaked Jumper, waiting for the Daedalus to mount a rescue mission. It may be a while, since it is still under repairs. Rodney settles himself in for the long haul, as they divvy up their meager rations. These cramped quarters are going to be even more uncomfortable than waiting it out on that Hive ship.

 

Rodney stays awake as long as he can, then out of sheer exhaustion, he finally shuffles to the back of the Jumper where he can lay down. Teyla and Carson have already taken the benches, so Rodney ends up on the floor with Ronan. Great. At least he gets his own blanket.

 

Ronan turns to his side, his back facing Rodney like a big shelf. Rodney rolls his jacket into a makeshift pillow and lies stiffly on his back in the middle of the small space remaining. No matter how tired he is he just can't imagine sleeping like this. John comes in from the front of the Jumper moving along the narrow edge of the bench opposite Ronon.

 

Perfect. Now he gets to be in the middle. Of course he would end up with the worst position. John is kneeling down and shaking Rodney's shoulder.

 

"Hey"

 

Looking up, Rodney sees John has part of a powerbar in his hand. "I forgot to give you the rest of your last ration."

 

His stomach growling, Rodney takes it from him gratefully with a quizzical expression, "Are you sure this was mine?"

 

John nods as if he could care less and continues trying to make a softer surface to lie on with various items of clothing and his small blanket.

 

As Rodney watches him, John comments, "I'd rather skip the blanket if it means lying on something softer than this floor."

 

"Um," Rodney feels a little guilty as he has already eaten most of it, but he tells John, "you don't have to give me extra-"

 

"Rodney." John's voice is authoritative, "Go to sleep."

 

Fine. Rodney finishes eating the last of the Powerbar, sighs, and closes his eyes.

 

He is aware of time passing… Somehow he is able to drift off into a light sleep.

 

.  
.

 

As Rodney adjusts, he is surprised by how comfortable and warm he feels. Who would have thought the floor of the Jumper could provide a good night's sleep? He starts to stretch… Suddenly, strong arms pull him back.

 

Oh, God. John is holding him. How did this happen? Rodney is lying on top of one of John's arms… he must have rolled onto it somewhere in the night.

 

And now both of them are clasped firmly around Rodney, holding him to John's chest. He doesn't dare move. He has a feeling that John would be very upset if he realized…

 

"Rodney" John murmurs softly, "…'S… keep you safe."

 

 _Oh._ Rodney's chest tightens with emotion. In his own way, Rodney always knew John cared… that he was looking after him by giving him those extra rations. If only John cared for him the way Rodney wanted him to. But he lets himself relax into the embrace and enjoy it.

 

John always smells so good, woodsy, manly… a hint of Aqua Velva. He doesn't dare move when John's hands lightly run over his chest. He just submits to the wonderful sensation of being so close.

 

Just for a moment. Then he'll find a way to extricate himself before John realizes. But for now he'll just let himself drift…

 

.  
.

 

The next time Rodney awakens, John's arms are hanging limply around him. Okay, he should be able to roll over without waking him. Reluctantly, he turns away from the softer bedding, back to his own narrow confines.

 

He is still lying on part of John's arm. And just then, John stirs.

 

Rodney freezes as John attempts to move. He doesn't seem fully conscious as he pulls his arm out from under Rodney and turns to face the bench.

 

As Rodney lays there in the dark, trying to get back to sleep, he can't stop thinking about when they were on the Hive ship. He had been lying in John's lap… And John had touched his lips to wake him up. Oh. He can't stop thinking about the feeling of John's fingers brushing across his lips. Softly opening them…  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place throughout Season 2, episode 20 "Allies", Season 3 episode 1 "No Man's Land", & during /after Season 3 episode 2 "Misbegotten"  
> .


	2. Pinning Rodney to the wall is John's job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _This whole situation is disturbing, but what John feels most bothered by is the idea of Ronon holding Rodney up against a wall. John doesn't want anyone, other than himself, ever holding Rodney up against a wall._  
> .

.

.

 

John rolls his eyes, “I know Rodney. Just today, you’ve explained how the intergalactic gate system will work at least twice.”

 

“Have I?” Rodney shrugs, “Well, we’ve been flying around for hours, what else am I going to talk about.”

 

“Anything?” John offers.

 

“But you’ve got to admit it’s exciting. The idea of being able to travel to the Milky Way in a mere 30 minutes instead of waiting for a 3-week journey on the Daedalus.”

 

“Maybe the first time you went through it.” John mumbles.

 

“Like you were even listening.” Rodney waves his hand dismissively, “I bet you a week’s pay you can’t tell me how it works.”

 

John sighs, “After we mark enough of the gates on uninhabited worlds, the Daedalus will position them along the vast expanse of empty space between our two galaxies so we can travel through them in a Jumper.”

 

“Ah-Ah. I said HOW it works, not WHY we’re out searching for Stargates.”

 

To save himself the bother, John decides to distract Rodney by bringing up Colonel Carter. That should get him reminiscing about his crush on her; John estimates Rodney will launch into a monologue for, say, at least 30 minutes or so before he notices that John isn’t listening.

 

“Hey, wasn’t this idea originally, um, who was it that came up with it?” John gives a small cough from the pesky cold he is trying to kick, “Oh yeah, what’s her name –Samantha Carter.”

 

“The concept yes, but the engineering and the _how_  is entirely me. Not that I would mind working with her again. I mean, Sam is one very brilliant – not to mention, very attractive- astrophysicist…

 

Looking at his watch, John smiles and completely tunes out the sound of Rodney’s voice.

 

After stopping at one more planet they head back to Atlantis for a quick lunch and check in with Elizabeth before heading back out for another few hours.

 

.

.

.

 

By the end of the day Rodney is complaining about how they only found two useable gates.

 

“One” John reminds him.

 

“Well, there was only a small settlement on that second planet, like they are ever going to use it.”

 

“Rodney,” John wearily warns him by the tone of his voice that he is not interested in discussing the matter again; his cold is getting worse and he is too tired to deal with any more of Rodney’s complaining today.

 

Rodney complains, “Even Carson is having better luck than us; Whatever medicine he found on that backwater hamlet was so impressive that he actually broke protocol and brought that annoying guy back with him.”

 

“That was weird.” John admits remembering how shocked and upset Elizabeth had been, “I mean he was the one who helped set up the protocols in the first place and then he was acting like it was no big deal to give away our location to a stranger.” He coughs and clears his scratchy throat. “But we got Teyla and Ronon on guard duty, so I’m sure they’ve got him under control.”

 

“I mean that guy, Lucius was just so… ugh” Rodney makes a face, “Am I right? He kept acting like we were going to trade him for anything he wanted. What was it he demanded first, a Jumper?”

 

John snorts, “And then he wanted to trade for how I got my hair to… to ‘go’ like that.”

 

“I’ve always wondered myself.” Rodney admits.

 

“Wondered what?”

 

“You know, why it always stays kind up ruffled, a little messy, like you just got out of bed.”

 

He turns to glare at Rodney.

 

“It’s a good look on you.” Rodney quickly adds, “I mean, why else would he offer to trade his valuable ointments for it.”

 

John stays silent. Due to a number of cowlicks, his hair had been the bane of his existence growing up; his father constantly insisting that he brush it down harder and make it look ‘neat’. Even when completely wet it would never stay put.

 

“I actually have a theory about your hair.” Rodney raises a finger.

 

 John frowns at him, “I don’t need to hear it.”

 

“Cowlicks. Am I right?”

 

“I will neither confirm nor deny anything.” John shakes his head wondering why Rodney would be speculating about his hair, “So, ah, remind me again… when the Daedalus starts setting up the gates, will it just be you supervising or will Colonel Carter be working with you?”

 

“Sam?” Rodney’s face lights up, “I’m hoping maybe I can convince her to work on it with me. I know she’s busy, but if I could get her to come here, even for a little while… Well, that would be so…

 

John glances at his watch. Plenty of time to get back to Atlantis before Rodney finishes this long ramble.

 

.

.

.

 

The gate room is empty when they get back and they find everyone gathered in the cafeteria listening to that obnoxious lout Lucius telling one of his ridiculous stories about how great he is. John is stunned that the whole room is hanging on his every word. Even more disturbing to him is the fact that some of them, like Elizabeth and Ronon are literally hanging onto him -as if they can’t physically get close enough.

 

Disgusted beyond belief, John and Rodney coordinate a way to get Elizabeth and the team alone in a room so they can figure out why they are all suddenly acting like they’re in love with the guy.

 

"What the hell is going on?" John asks.

 

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth looks unconcerned.

 

"What do I mean?" John narrows his eyes, "We leave for a few hours and Lucius has turn you all into Stepford wives!"

 

"What did he do to you?" Rodney has a look of disgust on his face.

 

Elizabeth looks back at Ronon, Teyla and Beckett. They all seem to be an agreement as Elizabeth insists, "Absolutely nothing. Carson was right about him."

 

"I agree." Teyla grins, "He has much to offer us."

 

"Herbs and gourds?" Rodney folds his arms and asks uneasily.

 

"Please, the medicines alone are worth whatever he asks." Beckett sounds defensive.

 

"Are you really telling me the ointment is worth something?" John makes a derisive face.

 

"I haven't actually tested it." Beckett shrugs.

 

"Oh, you're just taking his word for it." Rodney sounds angry.

 

Ronon takes issue with the challenge, "You got a problem with that?"

 

"Me?" Rodney's tone changes, "Uh, no." He points at John, "HE might."

 

Trying a new line of questioning, John asks, "Teyla, this is the man who asked you to be his 7th wife?"

 

"I know. I hope I didn't upset him." She looks as if she is embarrassed about her earlier refusal.

 

"You just haven't taken the time to get to know Lucius." Beckett pleads.

 

"Carson is right." Elizabeth says enthusiastically, "Again. Look, I think he could be a great asset to us. He has traveled extensively throughout this galaxy and gathered a tremendous amount of intelligence."

 

"Has he shared any of this, uh, ‘intelligence’?" John asks.

 

"Not yet, but" Elizabeth smiles, lifting up a gourd with a candle stuck awkwardly in the middle, "he did give me this."

 

Elizabeth and the others smile appreciatively at the gourd.

 

Okay they have officially lost it. Their judgment has been completely compromised by whatever Lucius did to them.

 

John looks at Rodney and he appears as horrified by this as John is.

 

Ronon gazes at the gourd lovingly. "A very wise and kind man."

After that the two of them agree to split up in order to investigate the cause of what could be infecting the entire city; they agree to meet back later at Rodney's lab and coordinate a plan once they know more.

.

.

.

"This is creeping me out." John says, pacing the lab.

 

"Yeah, reminds me of an old Batman episode, actually." Rodney is pulling up some footage on his computer that he wants to show John.

 

John sits next to Rodney and looks at the screen.

 

Rodney types and tells John, "Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, making him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all kinds of evil things for her."

 

Lifting his head, Rodney tells him, "It's kind of a turn on, actually. Its Julie Newmar in a cat outfit…"

 

Offhandedly John agrees, "Eartha Kitt was Cat Woman."

 

"Not till Season 3" Rodney smiles with a finger in the air.

 

"Really?" John looks up at Rodney.

 

"Yeah. You didn't know that?" Rodney looks at John like his opinion of the other man has just taken a considerable nose-dive.

 

John shakes his head as Rodney continues looking down at him with that distasteful expression. Somehow John feels embarrassed despite himself.

 

Only Rodney could make feel him embarrassed about not knowing some dorky comic TV trivia. He isn't sure why he cares so much what Rodney thinks anyway.

Rodney turns John’s attention to what he has learned from the surveillance tapes, Lucius has been drinking some kind of weird medicine. Unfortunately, when Rodney searched his room, the few drops remaining in the bottle weren’t enough to do a proper chemical analysis.

 

John decides that he should head back to the planet where they found Lucius to get to the bottom of things, telling Rodney to be careful and disable the DHD so no one else can dial out while he’s gone.

 

On the planet, John finds a very different village than the colorful happy hamlet he had seen before. Everyone seems sick. They beg John to tell them where Lucius has gone; they say it hurts them to be away from him for so long. When John enquires about the liquid, they offer to give him some if he promises to bring Lucius back to them.

 

.

.

.

 

When John steps through the wormhole his heart sinks, he can see Rodney up in Elizabeth’s office laughing with Lucius and acting all smitten. His protective instinct kicks in and John immediately goes to confront the Lucius.

 

He scowls at the sight of Rodney clasping Lucius' arm in mirth. "I thought you were going to stay away from the nuts." John remind Rodney.

 

"Yes, well," Rodney smiles and gestures to Lucius, "I tried to keep to myself."

 

Placing an affectionate arm on his new friend, Rodney continues, "but Lucius here was concerned for me, so he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and Lucius and I had a nice, long talk.

 

"Oh, you did?" John grimaces.

 

This whole situation is disturbing but what John feels most bothered by, is the idea of Ronon holding Rodney up against a wall. John doesn't ever want anyone, other than himself, holding Rodney up against a wall.

 

That image of Rodney, struggling and being pinned up against a wall is something John can't get out of his mind. A burn of anger and jealousy swells in his gut.

 

Moments later there is an incoming wormhole. Given that Rodney is now under the influence of whatever this thing is John shouldn't be surprised he failed to disable the DHD. Ronon, Beckett, and Teyla, come through with shower of Wraith fire behind them. They are acting almost drunk as they gift Lucius with the bags of the plant he apparently sent them to a Wraith infested planet to collect.

 

The fact that his team could have just been killed cause John to lose control of the fury building in chest. 

 

He nods his head, "Okay. I've just about had enough." He reaches forward to grab one of the bags but Ronon pulls his pistol on him.

 

"Whoa." Ronon looks ready to fire as he glowers at John, "Don't touch it."

 

"What on Earth is wrong with you, John?" Elizabeth give a chilling look as if John is an enemy, "We were just helping a friend, and there's nothing wrong with that."

 

Lucius leans back to Rodney who hanging just behind his shoulder, "I think there's something wrong with him."

 

"Hmm…" Rodney confirms the suspicion with a nod.

 

Okay, maybe he has obviously underestimated the situation here. He is completely surrounded by compromised personal and they are about to shoot him on him, lock him up, or worse turn him into one of them. John's seen enough of these body snatcher movies to when he's lost the advantage. Okay, just try to blend in, act like he's becoming one of the pod people.

 

"You know what?" He fakes a look of confusion as if he suddenly doesn’t understand why he got so upset, "I'm just tired, it's this damn cold."

 

He turns to Lucius, and as much as it sickens him, "I apologize."

 

Lucius begrudgingly accepts his apology, watching him with menacing eyes. Hoping none of them jump him, he slowly backs away saying he just needs to get a good night’s sleep and then he'll be better. Yeah, that’s it, make it seem like he just needs a good night’s sleep to fully convert into a pod person.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes pace during Season 3 episode 3 "Irresistible"  
> .


	3. You got one. I want one. Even.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney begins to take pleasure from his punishment. He's never gotten to touch John like this before, not even when they’d had their affair in Antarctica._  
> .

**.**

**.**

 

Once John has made his escape from the near ‘invasion of the body snatchers’ situation, he plans his next move. First he collects all of Rodney’s research along with the samples he got from Lucius’s home planet. Then he gets Beckett alone and shoots him with a stunner. Manually bypassing the security protocols from the Jumper bay, he takes Beckett to a remote location on the mainland.

 

About halfway there, Beckett wakes up confused that he is being held captive with his hands bound. He pines about how much Lucius needs him, whining constantly the rest of the way there.

 

Once John is on the ground setting up the research materials, Beckett’s complaints become more morose as he slumps in his seat, dejected and defeated.

John explains as he finishes setting up the equipment, _"_ Call it an intervention… You probably don't realize it right now, but what you're going through is, uh, kind of like, uh… a detox."

 

John coughs suddenly into his fist, then clears his throat to continue, "Now, according to the research Rodney was able to do before joining the Lucius fan club, that liquid he's been drinking contains some kind of a… chemical.

 

It interacts with the body and causes a… secretion of a, of a, pheromone, and then there's something about gamma activity in the prefrontal cortrex"

 

"Prefrontal cortex", Beckett corrects John on the term, "the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions."

 

"See?" John bats Beckett on the arm in enthusiasm, "That's why I need ya. It seems that when people are exposed to this pheromone in close proximity, it makes them, uh… easy to influence, and the longer they're exposed, the worse the addiction gets."

 

"You mean literally an addictive personality?" Beckett asks with a stricken expression.

 

"That's what it looks like." John hopes he is getting through to what is left of Beckett’s rational self.

 

"It's rubbish!" Beckett shouts with sudden emotion.

 

"Check for yourself." John points to the computer, "I will bet you a year's pay that the liquid in that vial is some kind of an extract made from the herb that you collected for him… He made you his mule."

 

"If this is true, why weren't you affected?" Beckett challenges.

 

"My cold." John gestures to his nose, "I can hardly breathe. Plus, I haven't been around him much…

 

Look, I would just kidnap him and take him away somewhere till the pheromone wore off, but the people on his home planet are starting to get sick, and it looks like their gonna get worse before they get better. I don't want to put our people through that."

 

"You're doing it to me right now!" Beckett cries out in distress.

 

John gives Beckett a solid punch to the chest hoping to shock him out of it.

 

"Ow!" Beckett yelps.

 

"Buck up Carson!" John yells, "You haven't been exposed that long."

 

John grabs the other man by the shirt and peers at him intensely, "Look, I need you to figure out a way how to counteract this thing. There's got to be an antidote of some kind."

 

Beckett's countenance falters. John raises his brow quizzically. Is he getting through?

 

"I can't" Beckett chokes out the words.

 

He releases a sniffling Beckett from his hold and insists, "Yes, you can. You can beat it."

 

"But he needs me." Beckett begins weeping openly.

This doesn't seem like the right time to give Beckett another punch to the gut. John tries another approach and kneels down next him, patting his arm, "Hey, it's going to be okay… This'll pass-"

 

"No, he's…" Beckett is inconsolable, "He's the most important person in the world to me."

 

"No," John presses him, "you just feel that way that now, but if you think back, a couple days ago… before you met Lucius."

 

"I, I won't have anybody if he's gone." Beckett sobs.

 

"Hey you have lots of people." John leans in, "I mean, there's Rodney. You guys are good friends, right?"

 

Looking teary and unconvinced, Beckett sniffs.

 

"And hey," John continues, "you got me, I'm your friend too."

 

"Are you?" Beckett peers at John; "I don't even remember you ever calling me by first name until today."

 

"It's a military thing," John lifts his hands, "doesn't mean we're not friends, Carson. What could be more friendly than a, a… well intentioned intervention?"

 

"I don't know," Carson hangs his head, "I just don't know anymore."

 

"What if…" John ventures, "we just see if I'm right first. You can be the judge. If I'm wrong, well, I take you back with a sincere apology… Will you just take a look?"

 

Carson stays in his stooped position, staring at the floor.

 

"Carson?" John gently shakes him by the shoulder.

"Okay, I'll look." Carson gulps, “But if your wrong I want you take me right back to him.

 

John pats him on shoulder sympathetically, “Alright buddy, I promise. If I’m wrong, I’ll take you right back to your best friend.”

 

After Carson has synthesized an antidote and inoculated himself, they let themselves get recaptured. Carson pretends to be under the influence still, so he can have time to produce enough of the antidote for everyone on Atlantis. Then he tricks Lucius into a Jumper where John is waiting to keep him aboard; flying around the planet long enough until the antidote has kicked in for everyone and they return to normal.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.  


After the effects of the antidote take hold, Rodney feels like such an idiot. He heads to the lab to clean up. He is almost done getting rid of everything but he decides to set aside a small amount of the herb, for research purposes. There is a small tincture of the stuff, he wonders if he should keep that too?

 

He unscrews the cap and sniffs the contents. It doesn't smell like anything really. Without thinking Rodney lifts it to his lips and takes a small sip. No taste. He puts it aside for safekeeping, knowing that it probably isn't a good idea.

 

But it's just that a drug like this, with the power to influence cognitive decision making might come in useful one of these days. Like, on a mission.

 

With everyone on Atlantis immune, medical teams have gone out to give the villagers from the backwater hamlet the antidote. John returns some hours later to take Lucius to the brig.

 

That evening over dinner, Rodney sits on a long table with everyone from the team; John happens to be sitting next to him and Rodney notices that he seems unusually attentive. Even when Rodney isn't talking, John just gazes at him.

 

That's when Rodney remembers that John is the only person who was not been given the antidote. Aha. That explains it. The herb should wear off soon but Rodney decides to make the most of it.

 

He smiles and turns to converse with John at length. It is really pleasant having someone hanging off your every word, especially John, who is prone to eye rolls and sighs when Rodney is talking. It is amazing actually, John is rapt in attention no matter what subject Rodney brings up, even the technical specifications for the intergalactic gate bridge. Rodney starts to feel a little guilty by the end of the meal and excuses himself early.

 

Back in his room, Rodney hunts for a missing drive. God this place is a mess, even for him. He pushes some clothes on the bed to the floor and spies it. He sits on his down and hooks it into his laptop.

 

Rodney hears a noise and looks up to see the door open by itself. It's not supposed to do that. Oh, it's John. Maybe his strong gene can override the door mechanism somehow?

 

John looks flushed, smiling, and he quickly makes his way over to the bed, sitting next to him. "You left without saying goodbye."

 

With John's shoulder bumping against his, Rodney's face flushes.

 

"Oh? Oh, yeah. Uh, sorry… I was tired or stressed, you know? Long day."

 

"I know what you need." John puts his hands on Rodney's shoulders and begins kneading the muscles without asking permission.

 

Oh. Okay, that feels good. Rodney shudders in pleasure. But this is bad.

 

He moves to stand up but John physically stops him. "Wait, Rodney, you're really tense, don't get up."

 

John sits up on the bed behind Rodney and he doesn't protest. His mouth has gone dry.

 

Suddenly John's hands are under his shirt entering from the waist and above the collar to gain access.

 

The shirt gets pushed up high to Rodney's chest, and then before Rodney realizes what John is doing, it has been pulled halfway off his head.

 

Flustered, he lets John untangle the garment from his head and arms. Rodney feels ridiculous now, shirtless… with John’s hands moving over his skin. John's hands are amazing… Oh, God. How did he let this happen?

 

But John is murmuring to him, caressing his back. "Come on Rodney, lay down and relax."

 

He stays sitting upright and stiff.

 

John reaches an arm around Rodney's middle and playfully pulls him to the bed. He pushes Rodney onto his stomach.

 

"Wait, Whoa –Whoa" Rodney protests.

 

Casually sitting on the back of Rodney's waist, John acts as if this is the kind of thing that they do every day. He trails his fingertips over the length of Rodney's back "So soft, Rodney. You've always been so soft."

 

What is going on here? Rodney's heart is pounding; his cock is getting hard under him. John's hands are pure bliss.

 

Oh, the warm, slightly dry quality of those long and strong hands. He has been missing them for so long… all these years. It’s even better than he remembered it.

 

The way he is lightly sweeping his fingers across Rodney's neck, arms, and back… It feels so tender and expressive. Rodney knows it is probably just the drug. John doesn't feel anything for him, but he is making Rodney ache.

 

He should put a stop to this… Just a little more, maybe?

 

A little more, but he will stop it before anything gets too out of line. John begins working with his thumbs, working his way down Rodney's, neck, then fans out, kneading the muscle between the neck and shoulder.

 

Oh. Yes. Most of the tension is there in his upper back… Well, lower back too… Rodney sighs in contentment, forgetting for the moment, the moral ambiguity of the situation.

 

"See Rodney, I knew I could make it feel better if you just let me try. You know, your back is beautiful?"

 

He tenses again. He's lying here with a hard on, under John. Fuck.

 

"There." John moves to other side using a different technique, "How does that feel?"

 

"Good," Rodney squeaks.

 

"Wait here, a sec." John pats his hand on Rodney's shoulder blade, "I have something I want to try."

 

Rodney needs to get up and stop this but he is frozen in place. He hears John open his night side table and pull something out. He can smell it now, it's his cocoa butter sunscreen moisturizer… and occasional lube. What is John thinking?

 

John's hands return to his back, softer, more lubricated. He is able to artfully slide his hands into and around the skin. The massage is luxurious, John leaves nothing unattended. The shoulder massage begins to morphs into an arm massage.

 

He shouldn't be so relaxed. But he feels helpless under John's touch. John sits further back, resting on Rodney’s ass while he digs into the lower spine.

 

God. Rodney can feel John's erection against his ass. He wants John to fuck him so bad. He is grateful that his own cock is being obscured between his bed and stomach. He can't let anything like that happen between them. John wouldn't be hard for Rodney if it wasn't for the drug.

 

Working the tension completely out of Rodney's lower back, John ventures a little lower and massages the top of Rodney's ass. He is burning with desire now, wishing John really wanted him as he much he wants John.

 

John sighs like he is finished and then collapses his chest onto Rodney's back. Rodney feels John's face and lips pressing into his neck, his cock pressing up against his ass.

 

"Mmm… Rodney." John's hands slide down Rodney's arms, he groans. John's lips start to trail along Rodney's nape.

 

This is too much; Rodney has to stop this.

 

He can feel John's hips grinding ever so slightly, moving his hard cock against Rodney's ass.

 

He stiffens, "John?"

 

"Mmm?"

 

"John… That was wonderful, that was really wonderful. I feel so relaxed now, and, uh, I would just like to go to sleep now. Do you think I could do that… alone? Would you mind leaving?"

 

"Sure Rodney, whatever you want." John sounds disappointed.

 

"Sleep well." John gushes sweetly on his way out.

 

Rodney wakes the following day with a massive amount of guilt. Is there any way he can untangle this mess without anyone finding out? Maybe the herb will fade quickly from his system. After all, Rodney only took the smallest sip.

 

He gets ready to join the team. Today they are taking Lucius back to his planet. Rodney is anxious when he sees John. But throughout the day John appears to be acting pretty much the same as he always does.

 

Well, maybe a bit more attentive to Rodney. Less sarcastic, perhaps even a little bit sweet. Nothing that anyone else seems to notice though. Rodney hopes the effects are fading.

 

**.**

**.**

**.**

 

When Rodney and the rest of the team get back to Atlantis, they meet up with Elizabeth and Carson at the top of the stairs.

 

Elizabeth enquires about Lucius' homecoming.

 

"Well, they didn't kill him, although I do see a string of divorces in his future." John offers.

 

"That's if they haven't strung him up first." Ronon adds.

 

"Well," Rodney disagrees, "the townspeople are over their withdrawal, and on the mend, so I doubt that will happen."

 

Teyla speaks up, "That is, unless we discover he's revealed the location of Atlantis to anyone."

 

"In wish case," Ronon is stern, "I said I would track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his-"

 

"Thank you." Elizabeth interrupts, "We get the idea."

 

"So everyone here, ah…" John smiles in amusement, "back to normal?"

 

Elizabeth and Carson both look a bit ashamed.

 

"We're still fine, John." Elizabeth answers evenly.

 

"No lingering desires?" John teases, "Secret longings for his touch?"

 

"It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you." Carson says uncomfortably.

 

It is funny though, that John keeps reminding them. Rodney smiles.

 

"All right, all right" John smirks. He lets it go and turns around, affectionately grasping Rodney's shoulder, "Hey buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before next scout."

 

He gives Rodney a few pats on the back and runs off.

 

Rodney blanches; the rest of the team is looking at him like he is the most evil man in the world. Oh fuck, he thought the effects were wearing off... He tries to quickly excuse himself.

 

Teyla and Ronon block his exit, and Elizabeth's voice is icy, "Rodney."

 

With no escape available, Rodney tries for an appeal, "It was one teeny, tiny taste ...for research purposes."

 

"Burn it." Elizabeth is adamant.

 

"All of it". Carson answers hot on her heels.

 

"Right now." Elizabeth continues.

 

"Fine." Rodney looks down, dejected. Now everyone will think even less of him than they already do, "Story of my life."

 

This time Teyla and Ronon let him pass, but just barely.

 

Sullen, Rodney returns to the lab to dispose of the remaining material.

 

When he returns to his quarters they are impeccably clean. He could bounce a quarter, if he had one, off of the bed. Rodney sits on the edge and sighs. He had thought maybe Ronon or Teyla would have stopped John from doing this.

 

Too ashamed to face anyone at dinner, he stays in his room for the rest of the night, nursing his hunger with Powerbars and MRE's. What is he going to say to John?

 

When morning comes, Rodney sleeps in, he knows John gets up early and if he waits long enough he will miss him at the mess hall. There is no mission today, just lab work to do.

 

By the time Rodney makes it to the cafeteria it is mostly empty, he eats his fill and stocks up on as much as he can carry with him for later, just in case. What if John kicks him off the team? He probably deserves it.

 

He skips lunch in the cafeteria, dipping into his reserve and then leaves early, despite Zelenka's objection. Grabbing a tray for dinner, he takes it to his room before he runs into John.

 

Rodney finishes his meal alone and is gloomily looking over some specs when the door chimes.

 

"Yes?" Rodney's voice cracks.

 

It is John. He is walking in. Okay, there is no avoiding this now.

 

John looks around the room, "I see it took you no time to make a mess of things again."

 

"Oh. Right." Rodney looks at a food tray and some disheveled clothing, on the floor "Yes."

 

There is a strange look on John's face, one Rodney doesn't recognize. Is it anger?

 

"John, I'm really sorry, I didn't intend for it to go so far. I was just testing and I forgot you hadn't had the antidote…" ‘ _Had he forgotten?’_

 

"Well, I've taken it now." John smirks.

 

"Right." Rodney looks down, "I don't know what to say… There is no excuse, really. I don't know what to do to make it up to you. I understand if you want me off the team."

 

He looks up to John's face again, afraid of what he might see.

 

"I know." John is smiling dangerously.

 

"What?" Rodney asks.

 

"How you can make it up to me."

 

"Oh. Okay. Whatever you want." Rodney is desperate.

 

John looks self-satisfied, "I want…"

 

Knowing there has to be some kind of punch line, Rodney waits.

 

"A  _massage_." John punctuates his words with definition.

 

Of course. Rodney's face falls, "Look, I am so, so sorry. It wasn't really my idea, but that isn't any excuse-"

 

Walking up to Rodney, John pushes him in the shoulder insistently, "I. Want. A. Massage… So give me my massage Rodney. And then we'll be even."

 

"We'll be... even?" Rodney looks up in utter confusion.

 

"Yeah." John smiles darkly again, "You got one, I want one. Even."

 

He is starting to wonder if John is serious when he sees him reaching into the bedside table and take out the cocoa butter.

 

Reaching up with a lazy hand, John pulls his shirt easily over his head. His hair looking slightly more ruffled than it already does.

 

Rodney tries to keep his breath steady, staring wide mouthed at John's chest. His body is too beautiful, achingly perfect, with those sinuous tight muscles, sun kissed skin, and long and lanky limbs. Rodney is frozen.

 

**.**

**.**

* * *

 

**.**

**.**

 

John sees Rodney's fearful expression and finds it funny that Rodney thinks he's mad at him. He laughs out loud. Poor Rodney hunches his shoulders and winces.

 

"Rodney," John takes a serious tone, "if you want to make it up to me, this is what you have to do."

 

"Now, move over and let me-" He shoos Rodney, making him move to the side of the bed.

 

"Thank you." John crawls up, lying on his stomach; sighing in relaxation, he pulls a pillow under his head.

 

**.**

**.**

* * *

 

**.**

**.**

 

Rodney stares at John's back, so long, lithe and defined. His body always seems to lean into everything naturally.

 

The arches are graceful; he can see the beginnings of John's pert butt curving at the edge of his pants. Rodney's cock hardens despite himself.

 

"And Rodney?" John is speaking again, "You'd better make it good."

 

Reaching for the jar, Rodney uses the movement to muffle his adjustments. He positions his cock so the head is folded under the top of his briefs. A trick he used in high school to hide unwanted erections. His cock is long enough to stay put that way.

 

If he is going to do this, Rodney doesn't want John to know he much how is lusting for him. He is sure John wouldn't want that. He straddles John but keeps himself propped up on his knees.

 

His hands are shaking as he opens the jar of lotion. How much should he use? Rodney takes some out, maybe too much, then accidently drops it on John's back.

 

"Rodney." John complains.

 

"Sorry", Rodney moves his hands to smooth it out, "Sorry, I'll just… spread it out.  
Uh, he isn't doing a good job so far. John had lovingly worshipped his back; it is only fair that he do the same. Rodney rubs it in and then begins to take enjoyment from his punishment.

 

He moves his hands up the arch of John's back, over his shoulders, and down his arms. It is intoxicating; he has never gotten to touch John like this before, not even when they’d their brief affair in Antarctica.

 

Rodney lingers on the arms. God, John is so hot. Rodney leans too far forward and his knees wobble a little.

 

"Relax, Rodney. Sit down." John instructs.

 

Thank God he tucked his cock up out of the way. Rodney seats himself onto John's back. He would be mortified right now if John could feel his erection. He takes a breath and tries to relax.

 

Closing his eyes, he feels where John needs the knots worked out. Rodney works one side of John's shoulders and then the other until they feel completely loose.

 

Then he moves back down to John's arms. They don't seem to need it but Rodney lavishes attention on them before working on John's neck.

 

Rodney has always wanted to touch John's hair but he keeps himself in check. Instead he works his way down John's neck and lower spine. He shouldn't be doing this; it just fuels his feelings for John.

 

Right now they feel so close and familiar, like he could turn John around and… and John would love him back.

 

But it's not that. Rodney has to remember not to get carried away.

 

Sitting back on John's pert ass, he massages John's lower back. Rodney lets his hands express all the love he wants to. He savors the feeling of John's skin. He will probably never get to touch him like this again.

 

When he finishes the low back, he works his way up again. He wants to make this last as long as he can.

 

**.**

**.**

* * *

 

**.**

**.**

 

John smiles into the pillow. Rodney is making it good, really good. He has been massaging him for over an hour. Rodney's fingers are warm to the touch and they feel so… God, John is going to think about this later when he is jerking off. Why can't he stop thinking about Rodney this way? He just can't get him out of his head. There is something about Rodney that…

 

Well, Rodney was the first guy John’s slept with more than just the one time. And then there had been that blowjob… That had really pushed it over the edge.

 

John doesn't know if all blowjobs from guys feel like that, he doesn't think so. It was Rodney. And Rodney, Rodney feels good. He makes John want to hold him against a wall and have his way with him. Oh, God.

 

And he's never gotten a massage from a guy either. John pushes his cock into the mattress with pleasure and wonders how he is ever going to stand up from this.

 

He wants to beg Rodney to bite his shoulder again, the way he did that time he sucked John's cock. He’d made John tell him he wanted it.

 

Fuck. John still wants it. What is wrong with him?

 

Finally, Rodney stops and moves off of him.

 

But John wants to grab him back down to the bed…

 

"Let me just wash my hands." Rodney is saying on the way to the bathroom.

 

John has to get out of here before Rodney sees how hard he is.

 

He pulls his shirt back on and grabs one of Rodney's jackets he sees lying on the floor; holding it over his tenting pants, he calls to Rodney in the other room, "Okay! We're even."

 

Then he bolts out of the room and heads for his quarters where he can take care of his aching cock.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3 during/ after episode 3 "Irresistible"  
> .


	4. We're actually... We're quite close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John attempts to talk about feelings and Rodney decides to try it too._  
> .

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"I'll bet anything that one's Ronon." Rodney points to the screen, pulling up a location he matched to the frequencies used by the old Wraith implant they had taken out of him. 

 

"Why?" John peers at it, "How do you know?"

 

"That's Sateda. It's Ronon's home planet."

 

John pats him on the back, "Good job Rodney, I thought maybe we'd lost him for good."

 

"Well, it wasn't easy matching the subspace calibrations," Rodney smiles smugly, "but like I said, you stick to your bad jokes and leave the brilliant science stuff to me." 

 

"Look, you can't go and get all jabbed in the ass and not expect some teasing about it.” John shakes his head, "Now, let's go bring Ronon home." 

 

"It wasn't a jab," Rodney objects on the way to the Gateroom, "It was more like a huge, a very PAINFUL, stabbing of the uh, uh, Gluteus Maximus."

 

"You're going to be the butt of the joke for a while around here." John tells him with a smirk, "Get used to it."

 

Rodney rolls his eyes, "Well then, don't expect any sympathy from me next time you get shot or whatever."

 

"Well if it's a little arrow, sticking out of my butt," John shrugs, "I don't think I'd be making such a fuss... carrying around my little 'butt pillow' and talking about it all the time."

 

"I'll have you know that pillow is next to useless." Rodney whines, "I can't even sit down!"

 

"Can't wait to tell Ronon all about it." John laughs, "Okay, once we know we can get a positive lock, I'll start putting a few teams together. You rest up and try not to chaffe any more of your sensitive areas."

 

Only when Rodney dials the gate address it doesn’t lock, he looks at John apologetically, "The Wraith must be keeping it open from their side."

 

"Then we go after him with the Daedalus." John decides, calling for an immediate briefing. 

 

But they find Colonel Cadwell less than willing to help. 

 

Rodney bites his lip knowing how much this means to John. He doesn't even resent the care and concern he sees in John's eyes as he argues with Caldwell about the rescue mission.

 

Of course John wants to go after that stupid caveman at all costs. What Rodney didn't expect, is that HE does too. It's not like Ronon hasn't saved his life before. He knows Ronon would have tried to sacrifice himself for Rodney the way he did for John and Teyla by letting himself be taken captive by the Wraith again.

 

They can't let this be his fate. They just can't. Rodney feels guilty now for begrudging Ronon any kind of acceptance, he's actually one of the most honorable and loyal people Rodney's ever met. No, they'll do whatever they have to to get him back.

 

"I will not put my crew and the only ship that we have in this galaxy at risk for one man." Caldwell informs John.

 

"One man who isn't a member of the U.S. military." John makes a bitter face.

 

"I didn't say that." Caldwell gives a dismissive sneer.

 

"He's a member of my team." John strides angrily up to Caldwell's face, "And he deserves the same respect as anyone on this expedition!"

 

When Caldwell won't back down, John comes up with another plan, asking him just to get them close enough to the planet that he can bring his team in with a cloaked Jumper.

 

Carson pipes up saying he can remove the new tracking device implanted in Ronon before they get back to Daedalus. 

 

"We'll be out of there before the Wraith even know what happened." John tells Caldwell.

 

Shaking his head, Caldwell warns, "I won't bail you out if you get into trouble."

 

John's demeanor is irreverent, "You say that as if we're always getting into trouble." He walks past Caldwell and stalks out of the room before there are any more objections.

 

Rodney follows fast on his heels to help gear up.

 

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John sees Teyla approaching him in the small cafeteria aboard the Daedalus; she sits down and thanks him for going after Ronon with all guns blazing.

 

"Did you think we wouldn't?" John asks.

 

"He is an outsider."

 

"Not to me." John clarifies.

 

"I have often felt like an outsider among your people." Teyla admits.

 

"Well, maybe at first, but…" John tells her, "You know I've always trusted you."

 

She nods, "Yes. You and Dr. Weir have been very accepting. But this has shown me how far you would go, even for someone who is not from your world."

 

"Look Teyla," He leans forward over the table "I'm not really good at, uh… Actually, I'm, I'm terrible at expressing… I don't know what you'd call it…" In front of his coffee mug, John's hands lift in little shrug.

 

"Feelings?" Teyla suggests.

 

"Yeah, sure." John frowns, "Okay. The point is, I don't really have good, uh…"

 

Teyla quickly fills in the blank, "Social skills."

 

He pauses awkwardly… "Well, that is why I enjoyed flying choppers in the most remote part of my world before all this craziness happened.

 

But, uh, you should know", John's voice gets quiet with emotion he doesn't know how to express, "I don't have, uh…"

 

After a moment Teyla volunteers, "Friends?"

 

"No." John looks at her in shock, then a little defensively, "I have friends."

 

She smiles and looks away embarrassed.

 

He swallows thinking of Rodney, "You, Elizabeth…"

 

_And there is Rodney._

 

Out loud he says, "Ronon…"

 

John tells himself that he can say Rodney's name without it sounding any different than the others.

 

"Carson…" quickly adding, "and even Rodney are the closest thing I have to a…." he flounders again.

 

"A family? Teyla prods.

 

Yeah. She hit it right on the nose. John never had one of those. His voice hitches. "I'd do anything…"

 

He looks Teyla in the eye, afraid of being this vulnerable, but trying to hold her gaze long enough so that she understands he means it. "for any one of you."

 

She looks gentle as John continues, "If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to…"

 

John stops, pressing his lips together to push back the well of emotion. He draws a steady breath, "I would."

 

This is too much. John shifts his gaze away. This is more than he has ever said to any one of his… his friends. The ones that have died or the ones he has now and is terrified to loose. His lips push back together in discomfort and he braces himself to leave.

 

Before he stands, he reaches over the table gruffly and pats her hands in affection.

 

"Thank you." Teyla's voice follows him as he leaves.

 

Unsure of what to say, John just stands there with his back to her.

 

Teyla continues, with kindness in her voice, "For everything you... meant to say."

 

Across the room, he keeps his back towards her. John can't talk anymore; there is a lump in his stupid throat. Why does he feel so empty and sad; he's going to get Ronon back, he can’t lose anyone else.

 

But acknowledging the people who matter to him makes John feel all the more vulnerable, reminds him that they could be ripped away at any moment. That's what's always happened before when he’s let himself care.

 

His ex-wife once told him that he was a pathetic character, walking through the world with the barest shred of human connection.

 

And talking to Teyla, who is able to connect so naturally with people gives him a sense of how dim he must seem to others, how… disconnected.

 

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Rodney is in a foul mood as Carson treats his wound, screaming, "Oh! Son of a- You're killing me!"

 

"I'm not even touching you." Carson tells him, "Seriously, Rodney, I've never treated a bigger baby in my life."

 

"Just… Are we done?"

 

"Yes." Carson takes off his gloves, "It looks fine, considering."

 

Groaning, Rodney pulls up his pants... _Yes, considering those primitive idiots shot him in the ass with an arrow._

 

Irritable, he finds himself getting into an argument with Carson about why he came on the mission. His is pride wounded that Carson doesn't realize that he cares about what happens to Ronon. Rodney feels differently about Ronon now than he once did. He isn't even jealous of John's attention and friendship with him anymore.

 

Rodney wags a finger, "Hey, I am a very caring person.” He pauses, feeling a little ashamed and adds, “Okay, Maybe it's not obvious to everyone but, uh…"

 

"You care about what happens to Ronon?" Carson asks in disbelief.

 

"Yes, of course I do. What makes you think I wouldn't?"

 

"Oh I don't know," Carson suggests, "the fact that you refer to him as 'the caveman' behind his back."

 

"That is a nickname." Rodney explains, "Buddies have nicknames for each other."

 

"Buddies?" Carson blinks at Rodney, "Oh, you're buddies now, are you?"

 

"Yeah." Rodney holds his chin up, "More than that, he saved my life. He's like a brother to me."

 

"Aye, maybe a brother who got every gene you didn't and vice versa." Carson closes his medicine case.

 

Rodney knows he is reaching for the ridiculous but he says it anyway. "You are just jealous of our relationship."

 

"Am I?" Carson inquires, "In the year or so he's been with us, have you ever had a conversation with the man?

 

"We have an unspoken bond." Rodney smiles in self-assurance, "I mean there are things that go deeper than words, my friend, deeper than words. But you wouldn't know anything about that because you never look past the surface of anyone, do you?"

 

Rodney quickly leaves the infirmary so that he can have the last word.

 

. .

 

Once they head out to the Satedan home world, John and Teyla go to check out the building where Rodney detected the transmitter signal. He and Carson stay behind in the cloaked Jumper; he can feel still feel the tension in the air from the words the two of them exchanged earlier.

 

As time goes by Rodney worries and calls on the com, "What is going on down there? You have at least 25 Wraith closing in on your position from ground level."

 

"It seems Ronon doesn't want to leave." John answers.

 

Rodney shouts, "Well too bad, you tell that ungrateful example of unevolved humanity that we came all this way to rescue him, so he'd better get off his ass-"

 

He hears John speaking to Ronon, "McKay says he's very hurt you won't come with us."

 

Apparently, even though the other people Ronon thought he was protecting have been killed by the Wraith, John says he wants to lure the General responsible for culling his homeworld down from the Hive ship so he can kill him.

 

"That is the stupidest plan I ever heard." Rodney sneers.

 

Rodney looks at the screen and realizes how outnumbered they are, he and Carson soon get into an another argument about which one of them should go out and help. 

 

If anyone should go it should be him. But while they are physically wrestling over one of the guns, he hears John over the radio saying they already got them all.

 

Rodney looks at the life detector in disbelief; he can't believe they actually did it.

 

Ronon seems to get his wish, as the General beams down. 

 

Watching from the cloaked Jumper, he and Carson watch the fight in apprehension. Ronon is no match for him.

 

"He's killing him, we've got to do something!" Rodney panics.

 

"Where are John and Teyla?" Carson wonders.

 

Rodney points to the screen, "Behind those things."

 

"Well why the bloody hell aren't they doing anything?"

 

Snapping his fingers, Rodney comes up with a plan "We fire a drone! We'll have to uncloak, but I don't see what choice we've got."

 

Carson takes a seat at the controls, "Aye, I've done it before."

 

"You mean when you nearly destroyed the Ancient outpost in Antarctica?" Rodney sneers.

 

"Just got to get a clear shot." Carson frowns in concentration.

 

Ronon is bloody and gasping on the ground as the Wraith reaches his hand back to feed and drain the life from him.

 

"Do it now!" Rodney shouts. "He's not going to make it!"

 

A yellow canon fires into the chest of the creature, throwing it clear of Ronon and decimating it to ash in a giant explosion. John and Teyla suddenly reappear and help Ronon aboard. They quickly re-cloak the Jumper and barely make a getaway before the Hive ship in orbit destroys them.

 

"Which one of you killed the Wraith?" A bloody Ronon growls from his seat.

 

"That would be me." Carson beams.

 

"My idea." Rodney pipes up to make sure he gets his credit.

 

Ronon pulls himself upright and lunges toward Carson.

 

"Ronon." Teyla issues a warning.

 

"What?" Carson is confused, "Don't tell me that you're not happy that he's dead?"

 

"I had him in my sights, but Ronon said he'd kill me if I shot him." John explains.

 

Eager to distance himself from the incident, Rodney nervously changes his story, "It was all Beckett's idea."

 

"Thanks, Doc." Ronon grabs Carson and pulls him into a bear hug.

 

"What? Him you thank?" Rodney feels left out.

 

John seems to feel the same, "I could have killed him at any time, but Teyla wouldn't let me."

 

"Thank you." Ronon places a big hand on Rodney's shoulder, "All of you."

 

"Oh, don't mention it." Rodney feels immensely better.

 

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For the last few weeks now, John has wanted to have a talk with Rodney, ever since they got back from Sateda. This seems like as good a time as any, he knows Rodney is up late in the lab and it’s otherwise empty.

 

"Hey." He saunters in and sees Rodney seated in a chair, "How's your butt?"

 

"Here for more bad jokes, Colonel?" Rodney keeps typing.

 

Sometimes he hates it when Rodney calls him Colonel. It signifies their professional relationship. John had wanted to talk to Rodney the friend.

 

He feels stupid. Like Teyla said, he's not good with feelings. He doesn't know what he was thinking. Maybe this was a bad idea…

 

John's lips purse tightly and he braces to go.

 

"Wait!" Rodney pulls his arm, "don't go." He keeps ahold of John’s arm, looking at his face, as if he can sense the emotion. John is sure his expression betrays nothing except a scowl, but Rodney squeezes his forearm.

 

"I'm glad we got Ronon back." He tells John.

 

"You did good." John nods. He looks up at Rodney. "Ah, I wanted to say something… Well…"

 

He pulls out Rodney's jacket, clean and folded, "First of all I wanted to return this."

 

"Hey, this is…" Rodney peers at it, "I've been looking for this forever."

 

"Really?" John is shocked Rodney even noticed it was gone, "Given the state of your room, I find it a little hard to believe you'd ever notice if something was missing."

 

"It is simply a pattern too complex for you to comprehend." Rodney smirks, "But I assure you, there is a method to my genius."

 

Blinking at his jacket, Rodney asks, "So, this was what you wanted to say?"

 

"No." John shakes his head, "I, I wanted to… uh..."

 

"Oh, no." Rodney looks concerned, "Is it something bad? What's wrong, what did I do?"

 

"No. Not bad." John sits down next to him and rubs the back of his head anxiously.

 

"Look, uh, I was talking to Teyla the other day… and it made me think about how I'm not great at letting people know… I'm, uh, not good at….

 

You know, talking about… emotions and stuff... But, I thought I should tell you, -all of you, really -how much you mean to me."

 

"Oh. Okay. Thanks."

 

It doesn't seem like Rodney understands what he is trying to say.

 

John continues, "Okay. Your friendship… it’s very important to me, Rodney. I've… never had a friend like you, ah, I just hope you know that... how much you mean.. you mean a lot to me."

 

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Rodney is shocked, he wants to grab John and pull him into a hug but he restrains himself.

 

"I didn't realize… I mean, thank you. Because you mean the world to me and our… our friendship… Well, it's more important to me than I really know how to put into words.

 

I'm, uh, not great with this either, but it’s nice to know you think of me as more than a forced comrade… or” referring to the running joke about his recent injury, “a pain in the butt."

 

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"Is that how you really think I see you? Just a forced comrade?" John is saddened that after everything, that is all Rodney’s thought he felt for him.

 

"Well, I mean I didn’t know …" Rodney blinks nervously, “But I’m glad you think of me as a friend… Thank you.” He gives a small smile and looks down.

 

"Well," John stands up and speaks with a more playful tone, "then I'm glad we had this little talk."

 

"John?" Rodney calls to him on the way out.

 

"Yeah?" John turns.

 

"Do you know…" Rodney looks wide-eyed and uncomfortable, speaking quickly, "You really mean a lot to me, I, ah, consider you one of my closest friends."

 

John smiles. He’d assumed Rodney considered him a friend, but not one of his closest; his chest feels warm, "I didn't know exactly… but now I do, so..."

 

“So. Good.” Rodney nods.

 

There is a moment of awkward silence between them, then John asks, "So now that you can sit down, think you can handle playing the game again -seeing as I’ve been kicking your ass so badly?”

 

" Your civilization is a joke. I am _so_ beating you." Rodney makes a face of false pity, “And don’t think this little talk is going to make me go any easier on you.”

 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, all talk." John waves his hand on the way out.

 

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Rodney is so excited to be in the briefing with Sam. His Sam, Samantha Carter is here along with the rest of her team from Stargate Command. Rodney is sure she needs his help with those bad guys threatening to overrun the Milky Way.

 

While she is giving her briefing, he can't seem to stop himself from interrupting and elaborating on his perspective. After all, the presentation is really meant to get the rest of the team up to speed, Rodney understands exactly what she is trying to do.

 

"No-no-no." Rodney objects to what she is proposing, "The diameter of a Stargate is not arbitrary. There is a specific correlation between the energy required to create a stable wormhole-"

 

Sam cuts him off, "And the size of the gate. I know that."

 

Rodney continues, "And it's exponentially proportional to size, which means the energy required to create a connection with a supergate would far exceed that of an ordinary gate. It'd be like putting together a Saint Bernard and a Chihuahua."

 

The sexy brunette sitting across the table from him smiles playfully, "And the problem with that would be-"

 

He narrows his eyes at her, what was her name... Vala "Well, obviously it's a question of, uh…" Rodney notices the bemused expression on Daniel’s face. _God, that guy is annoying_

 

"Oh, I see." Rodney blinks in irritation, "You're, um, mocking me, aren't you?"

 

"What?" Vala looks innocent, "No. I'm not from Earth. I honestly didn't get the reference."

 

"Oh," Rodney begins again, "Oh, well, they're both dogs-"

 

"McKay." Sam's voice speaks over him in frustration.

 

"Colonel Carter, please continue." Elizabeth graciously offers.

 

"If he speaks again, I'll shoot him." John says in a low voice.

 

Rodney gives John a hurt expression and tries to keep quiet, but he can't help himself from detailing exactly the physics they need to consider. This seems to irritate Colonel Mitchel but Rodney could care less and keeps interrupting him to make his point.

 

"I am just saying, the yield calculations can be extremely tricky, if not borderline impossible…" Rodney comes to his conclusion, "You may need me."

 

Vala chuckles, "Colonel Carter said as much."

 

"Ooh…” Sam winces. “We weren't going to tell him that."

 

'Sorry'. Vala mouths a silent apology.

 

But Rodney brightens at the prospect of Sam actually admitting she needs him.

 

"John, do you think you could spare Rodney from your team?" Elizabeth asks.

 

"Hell, you can keep him." John smirks at Rodney.

 

"Nice." Mitchell nods in amusement.

 

Rodney doesn't bother with a comeback, still preening over the fact that Sam needs him.

 

As people begin to filter out of the room, Daniel stops Rodney, “Hey, I’ve got to say it’s pretty amazing here, I’ve always been a little jealous that O’Neill didn’t let me come on the expedition.”

 

“Yes, well,” Rodney looks at him condescendingly, “I’m sure we’ve gotten along just fine without you.”

 

Vala leans her chin onto Daniel’s shoulder with a wide grin, asking him “Why do I get the feeling he doesn’t like you much.”

 

“What’s not to like?” Rodney gives a pained smile, “I’ve enjoyed hearing him go on and on about his archeological finds, how he alone cracked the code of the Stargate, droning on about technical details that he thinks he’s the only one that understands.”

 

“Oh, you mean,” Vala looks like she trying to contain her amusement, “kind of like…” she juts a thumb back at the empty conference table, “how you were back in there?”

 

“No,” Rodney gestures emphatically with his hands, “I was talking about details relevant to a mission. I wasn’t, say, bragging about how I’m the foremost expert on Ancient technology, even though I happen to be.”

 

“Oh.” Vala looks to Daniel then presses her hands together as if this is all a very exciting mystery to her, “Am I sensing some kind of rivalry going on here?”

 

“Not that I’m aware of.” Daniel makes a puzzled face and shrugs ambivalently.

 

Rodney rolls his eyes and heads out of the briefing room; he can just overhear John talking with Colonel Mitchel, "Well, good luck. And listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just-"

 

"Shoot him." Mitchell makes a gesture.

 

"Also," John confides, "he's mortally allergic to citrus, so…"

 

"Really?" Mitchell asks.

 

Rodney sees John pull a lemon out of one of his pockets, saying, "I keep one with me at all times."

 

 _At all times?_ John has teased him with it on a few occasions but… At all times-

 

"Just a comfort to know, it's there." John tosses it to Mitchell,

 

"That's good intel. Thanks." Mitchell examines the lemon.

 

John walks off before Rodney can catch up with him. _Yes ha, ha, very funny, because of his citrus allergy…_

 

"That's a good one." Rodney steps in front of Mitchell, pointing towards John and laughing. "We're actually… We're quite close."

 

Rodney knows that they are, even if John makes jokes about shooting him. He knows John considers him a close friend.

 

"Have you packed your bags?" Mitchell asks.

 

"Hmm?" Rodney is confused for a minute, "Oh, right, right." He will be joining the Odyssey on the away mission. Rodney runs off to get ready. He is really looking forward to getting to spend some quality time with Sam.

 

. .

 

As the Odyssey gets ready for liftoff, Rodney walks over to her to have a private conversation.

 

"You can check my preliminary yield calculations. They're on that station over there." Sam points back to a computer console.

 

"I'm sure their fine." Rodney waves his hand.

 

"It's the reason you're here McKay." Sam looks confused.

 

"Hmm, right." Rodney tells her, "But first I just wanted to thank you for being there for me recently, in a time of great personal need…

 

Well, actually, you weren't there, I was alone in the dark, but, um, you know, it sure seemed like you were."

 

"Are you telling me one of your fantasies?" Sam grimaces.

 

"No." Rodney explains, "It was a hallucination. Look, I had a concussion, I was trapped in the back of a sinking Jumper, and my mind conjured you up as a means of survival. It's just what you would do in my situation. Saved my life."

 

"Okay." Sam looks relieved, "Well, that's sort of nice."

 

"Hmm." Rodney smiles warmly, "Yes it was."

 

Sam's face becomes suspicious, "Was I naked?"

 

"Partially." Rodney admits.

 

"Check my calculations, McKay." Sam closes her eyes and sighs.

 

.  
.

 

The mission turns out to be a great success thanks mostly to Rodney… sure, maybe a little prodding with a lemon had helped spark some inspiration, but in the end Sam couldn't have done it without him.

 

Feeling inflated by his success and a little inspired by his recent talk with John, Rodney prepares some coffee and pastries and seeks Carson out in the infirmary.

 

"Rodney. What's this, now?" Carson greets him as he walks in.

 

"Just a snack. Fancy a walk on the pier?"

 

"Don't mind if I do." Carson walks over to inspect the offerings.

 

On the way there, Carson asks, "What's the occasion?"

 

"Does there have to be one?"

 

"Well," Carson gives him a funny look, "there's a first time for everything."

 

"Just wanted to talk, you know. I missed you… You were going to catch me up on the latest with Cadman, tell me how the long distance thing is going with her aboard the Daedalus."

 

On the walk down to the water's edge, Carson dishes on all the latest details of his romance. Rodney congratulates him, happy to hear things are going so well.

 

Carson smiles and takes a sip of his coffee as he sits down, "There's something so calming about being out here."

 

"True." Rodney looks out at the waves, "Much more relaxing than what we normally do."

 

"You're in an awfully good mood." Carson takes out a pastry, "Does it have anything to do with Sam?"

 

"What? Oh. No, I mean… It was nice seeing her." Rodney laughs, "I shouldn't have told her about my hallucination."

 

"You didn't?"

 

"I was just trying to thank her for the, uh, moral support. She was the one who guessed that she was somewhat naked in my fantas- I mean, hallucination."

 

"Sounds like it went well." Carson winces.

 

"As well as can be expected with my social skills. Listen, I… I actually wanted to talk to you about that. Sort of… I wanted to say I was sorry for being such a jerk when we were on Sateda. I know sometimes I get… prickly. I wanted to say-"

 

"Oh, it’s nothing to fret about." Carson waves his hand, "But apology accepted."

 

"Hmm." Rodney looks back over the water, "In my hallucination, Sam told me… or I guess I told myself- that I'm arrogant, petty, and bad with people. I suppose that's just the tip of the iceberg, but I've been thinking… uh, that is, I'm not used to having to be good with people."

 

Carson lifts his brows.

 

"Or, at least caring about it. I've never been one to have… friends, you know? So this is kind of new to me."

 

"What do you mean?" Carson looks confused.

 

"I've never had friends before. I spent most of my time alone. People don't seem to like me so I stopped caring about social niceties."

 

"What do you mean, Rodney? People like you."

 

"Uh, no. They don't."

 

"I mean, sure, sometimes you're a wee bit rough around the edges, but everyone here cares about you."

 

Rodney frowns in disbelief, "Thanks, but-"

 

"You just don't let your guard down much, I've always wondering why. I mean, I know about Alex, that kind of thing would make it hard for anyone to trust, but I mean, is there something else?"

 

This isn't what he'd planned on talking about; Rodney's stomach lurches. Discussing his own shortcoming is something he would prefer not to dwell on. "I guess that's why I'm so arrogant."

 

"What?"

 

"To compensate for my other… missing parts."

 

Since Carson doesn't seem to be following, Rodney starts again, "There's nothing exceptional about me or my life."

 

Carson gapes at him in shock.

 

"Fine." Rodney groans, "Okay, other than the fact that I'm a genius… See, I can't stop, even now."

 

"Now that sounds more like the Rodney I know." Carson swallows a bite, "So what's the unexceptional story?"

 

"I don't know, "Rodney shakes his head, "Brief life history? Parents were older academics when they had my sister and I. They were very distant emotionally and pressured us to excel in school. That was the way to get their approval, and it was easy since I had certain gifts.

 

I skipped a lot of grades and that kind of ruled out a social life. I became accustomed to being bullied and taunted by others in school. Guess I got used to getting people to back off by being, you know, the way I am.

 

I've tried letting my guard down but people still don't like me, so that's all there is to it. I think it's… whatever, I didn't mean to go off on some sort of Rodney sob story. I'm always talking about myself, my problems… That's another problem I have, being selfish."

 

Carson tries to interject but Rodney stops him, "I wanted to say something else. Back to the friend thing…

 

You've been very kind to me. I wanted to tell you that I appreciate you, your friendship. Your one of the only friends I've ever had, but, ah, that shouldn't diminish the fact that you're one of the best friends I've ever had.

 

There, I said it. That's what I wanted to say."

 

"Rodney." Carson smiles softly, "I'm very touched. I've had my share of friends, but I count you among the very best as well."

 

"You do?" Rodney is surprised.

 

"Of course I do!" Carson shakes his head, "For someone who brags so much, you seem to think very little of yourself."

 

"Low self-esteem." Rodney rolls his eyes, "Add it to the list of problems."

 

"Well, even if you can't see it yourself, I think you’re great."

 

"Yes, well…" Rodney feels awkward; it is a little strange hearing something positive being said about him –well, by someone other than himself "I, uh, think you're great too. And thank you… you know, for making it easier to let my guard down."

 

"Always a pleasure." Carson lifts his cup to touch Rodney's and the two of them laugh.

 

"So you really told her about the naked part?"

 

"Ugh. Yeah, and I, uh, almost kind of told her she was sexy on the bridge."

 

Rodney likes this, being able to laugh candidly with Carson about his foibles. Everything comes so easily when he's talking with Carson. They lounge and finish eating the pastries. Then Rodney walks him back to the infirmary and heads to the lab to check out some Ancient gadgets that are confounding him.

 

. .

 

"Careful that stuff is very… complex"

 

John lifts up one of the devices on the table and inspects it casually "I don't know, Rodney. They don't seem very Ancienty to me."

 

"Ancienty?" Rodney gives a condescending look.

 

"Yes, I told you it's a word." John sets it down and folds his arms playfully.

 

Rodney walks next to John at the table, "Just because the ATA gene doesn't turn it on doesn't mean it's…"

 

"Un-Ancienty?" John’s shoulder brushes against Rodney.

 

"Not exactly the word I was looking for." He reaches down for the object and touches it.

 

John is reaching down too. His hand closes over Rodney's.

 

Embarrassed by the accident, Rodney pulls back.

 

But John holds on to Rodney's hand, forgetting the unknown object.

 

Confused, Rodney looks down.

 

He is turning Rodney's hand in his, opening it and threading his fingers through Rodney's. Moving closer, John's body presses lightly against him.

 

"John?" Rodney's breath is shallow and his eyes downcast.

 

John’s free hand wraps around Rodney's waist, pulling him in close.

 

"Ohhh." Rodney says shakily.

 

He feels helpless, his body is buzzing with sexual charge. This has to be some kind of joke, but he is completely at John's mercy, he can't resist him. John must know that, he can do anything to Rodney he wants.

 

_But John doesn't want him, does he?_

 

Letting go of Rodney's hand, John tilts Rodney's chin up to eye level.

 

As Rodney looks up, he sees John's face is full of warmth and tenderness.

 

"Rodney, I've always wanted you." John trails his fingers along Rodney's lips, "I should have let you kiss me, I was just scared.

 

I didn't want to admit how I felt..." John licks his lips, "How I feel about you." . .

.

.  
****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during/ after SGA's Season 3 episode 4 "Sateda", also during/ after SG1's Season 10 episode 3 "The Pegasus Project", & SGA's Season 3 episode 5 "Progeny"  
> 


	5. Is it possible John's really missed him too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _And then something completely unexpected happens. But Rodney has learned not to trust things when they seem to good to be true._  
> .

.  
.

 

“How you _feel_ about me?” Rodney whispers softly in disbelief.

 

“I’m not afraid anymore.” John stares back with unmistakable longing.

 

Rodney’s eyes get big; HE is afraid. _Oh God. What's happening? This makes no sense. They're friends now and John said-_

 

The questions disappear as John's warm hand snakes around his neck, pulling Rodney in and almost closing the distance between their lips.

 

Wait, no. He can’t accept this is really happening, no matter how long he's longed for it. Rodney feels too vulnerable, more than he ever did back in Antarctica, back when John used to come to Rodney's room and just take what he wanted from him.

 

As John’s lips lightly graze his, his breath hitches.

 

 _What the hell?_ John's never seemed capable of sharing something as tender as this. The only time John's reached out for him with any vulnerability was that rare moment in the back of the Jumper ...when John unexpectedly closed his arms around Rodney and held him. And just like that day in the Jumper, there is that same exquisite feeling of pins and needles now rushing across his flushed skin at the memory of how John's head fell to his shoulder as his body melted into Rodney's, his hand swaying across his back.

 

This feels too good to be true, something bad is going to happen. It will be like that perfect night they'd been laying under the stars together on the pier with thier hands brushing together. Rodney had finally summoned enough courage to show John how much more he wanted between them; how much he'd needed him, wanted him every night since John abruptly withdrew his sexual attentions without any explanation.

 

This is too good to be true. _Nothing_ good ever happens to him. Rodney winces remembering the outcome of that night and John’s painful rejection when he'd tried to kiss him. The way John looked at him with such fear and disgust… Then later when Rodney tried to bring it up just to apologize...

 

John shoved him up against the wall, screaming like he hated him, “I said, don’t. Go there. McKay. EVER.”

 

And Rodney hasn’t dared to ever let himself imagine going there again. No matter that he’s never been able to get over his feelings for John, he’s happy enough for the friendship they’ve managed to salvage. Their friendship means everything to him now. If he were to lose that, it would break him. Completely.

 

“You?” Rodney croaks a breath in the small space between his mouth and John’s, “But you-“

 

“I love you, Rodney, you have to know that…" John murmurs, his eyes intent, holding Rodney’s gaze, “You don’t know that? How much I’ve wanted you, how much I’ve missed you?”

 

“No?” Exhaling a tiny squeak, Rodney can barely breathe.

 

“Can I show you then?” John’s arm moves behind his waist and he pulls their bodies up against each other, “Will you let me show you?”

 

“Uh, uh…I. Ye-yes.”, Squeezing his eyes shut at the intensity of emotion, Rodney nods in surrender; dammit, he wants this more than he’s ever wanted anything.

 

And then he feels the light pressure of John’s mouth against his, John’s lips curving into a smile before they part ever so slightly and kiss Rodney soft and sweet.

 

His body is going weak, sinking into John’s embrace as another kiss closes over his mouth; reverent and chaste this time, but full with the promise of more.

 

 _Oh God._ Rodney opens his eyes, blinking up at John, daring to allow his face to show the love he's kept hidden away. Clenched fingers unfurl and his hands reach back to touch John the way he’s always wanted to, running them over the tight black shirt and feeling the lithe muscles underneath.

 

Taking those pouty lips in his at last, he kisses John back. A moan escapes him as John’s fingers possessively slide around the nape of his neck, demanding more. Rodney grants John’s tongue entrance; pins and needles become fireworks. As his tongue curls around John’s, he is wobbly and lightheaded. Completely ignoring the warning voice in his head, he can’t hold back anymore, this is pure bliss.

 

John stops, catching a breath and taking Rodney’s face with both hands, “I love you so much.” he makes a noise like it pains him to stop and pulls Rodney back into a deep kiss. 

 

Butterflies everywhere... Rodney’s stomach is doing flip-flops…, _‘Oh John, I love you too. I always have, even your stupid adorable pixie ears;_ then he hears himself say it out loud, “I love you too…  ever since you first seduced me, I think… but, but after you gave me that hug in the Jumper, I knew that I'd always-”

 

“Mmmm, that hug…” John groans and pulls back slightly to give Rodney a soulful, unguarded look, “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to tell you… to let myself- God-” John takes Rodney’s mouth again speaking between kisses “I do love you.”… “I love you”…

 

Reaching up, Rodney’s grips John’s unruly mane and rakes his fingers through it. Oh. He’s always wanted to do that. Tightening his grip, he fists John’s hair and thrusts into John’s mouth with the same insatiable intensity.

 

His soul is brimming, spilling out into every touch he can share with John. When they finally pull apart, Rodney is trembling, so giddy and shaky he's having trouble standing.

 

“Let’s get outta here.” John smiles with mischief in his eyes, he grabs Rodney’s arm and pulls him out the door as the two of them stumble back to John’s quarters.

 

John is laughing and panting by the time they get there. Rodney starts laughing too, he isn’t sure why, but it's so funny. Isn't it?

 

“Get over here.” John grabs Rodney and pushes him to the bed.

 

Feeling suddenly vulnerable again, Rodney stops laughing, wondering at how surreal this all feels.  _’Why now, after all this time?’_

 

They’ve never talked about what happened in Antarctica, the drug induced sex back on Ford’s planet, or anything else that's happened between them. It’s all such a tangled mess, one that Rodney thought was locked away, forever behind them. He thought that's where John wanted to leave it, that they’d come to an understanding about their friendship; even if it was mostly unspoken.

 

If John's really wanted him this whole time why has he always pushed Rodney away? He's too afraid to ask.

 

John must see the confusion in his eyes as he leans down to kiss the crease on Rodney’s brow, “You have no idea. I’ve missed you for so long.”

 

Sighing, Rodney gives into his desire. If John really loves him, if he wants him now, it doesn't matter. Maybe one day he'll ask, but not now.

 

All Rodney knows is that John has never looked at him this way before, never dropped his walls, or let him in like this. It feels like John is trying to give him everything and Rodney wants all of it, wants to give everything of himself back.

 

They take their time stripping off their clothes. Kissing languidly, making up for all the lost time.

 

Marveling at the beauty of the man, Rodney kisses his way down John’s chest, ready to take his gorgeous cock in his mouth.

 

But John rolls Rodney onto his back, moaning, “God, I want you so bad.”

 

Rodney swallows, wide-eyed and eager, “You can have me. I’ve always been yours.”

 

John lunges for Rodney’s mouth, taking it hard and pumping Rodney’s engorged cock with one hand. “I want to fuck you now, I’ve missed fucking you so much.” He husks.

 

' _God, yes.’_  he kisses John back; God, he’s missed it too.

 

Breaking away for moment, John grabs a small bottle of lube from the bedside table and slicks his cock.

 

Oh, God, he still can’t believe this is happening. Rodney’s stomach flutters with excitement and a tinge of fear.

 

John seems to be reading his mind again, he leans down and kisses him tenderly, “I love you, Rodney. I just want to show you how much.”

 

”Mmmmph.” Rodney moans as John spreads his legs wide and teases his opening with slick fingers. He eases one inside to get Rodney wet, gliding a slippery hand over Rodney’s cock with the other.

 

“Oh, God …John …Oh”

 

A second finger penetrates him, moving in and out. Then suddenly the slick tip of John’s cock is pressed up against his opening; he wills himself to relax. He hasn’t been with anyone since John. It was always a bit painful taking his impossibly huge cock and adjusting to the size. Rodney pushes down to allow entrance. It still feels like it's too big. But John is patient, watching Rodney’s face to make sure he isn’t hurting him.

 

“Ohhh." John shudders, "I forgot how good you feel.” He eases his cock in, one gentle push at a time.

 

As he goes deeper, John leans down so he can kiss Rodney while working his way in.

 

This is so different than anything they've done before. Rodney blinks up with complete trust and wonder, wrapping his legs around John’s waist and his arms around his back. 

 

He gasps with each thrust, feeling so taken. His body belongs to John; he can do anything he wants to him.

 

When John gets all the way inside he makes a deep growl of pleasure, rocking his hips with half-slit eyes, “I love you too much. You make me crazy.”

 

An electric thrill sparks all the way through Rodney’s body as John moves inside him, sliding over the prostate. Lost utterly to oblivion, utterly helpless and under John’s control; he’s always been that way when it comes to John.

 

“Ah. Oh, God, so completely yours. Just you... only you… The way you fuck me… I can’t… Oh. Can’t resist.”

 

“You don’t have to.” John thrusts harder.

 

“I don’t, oh, want to. Oh.” Rodney is trembling, “I can’t. Oh God, yes. Keep fucking me like that. Don’t stop.”

 

“I won’t… I need you, need you… so fucking much.“ John seems just as lost in the bliss, “How are you so tight? Jesus... God… Oh.” His hand slides over Rodney’s throbbing cock, “So good, Rodney…”

 

John is thrusting faster now, he gasps, “You’re gonna make me cum so hard.” 

 

Rodney is so euphoric he doesn’t even know what he is saying anymore. He hears himself making noise but his brain has stopped working. He's getting close, so close. He screams out John’s name and his whole body shakes and convulses as John’s cock pounds into him.

 

And then John is cumming too, “Fu-fuck. GOD!… Ahhhhhh!” he slumps onto Rodney’s chest.

 

As the two of them lie there completely spent, murmuring to each other and kissing in the afterglow, Rodney realizes how afraid he’d been that John would act the way he did in Antarctica after they'd had sex; that he'd just leave afterword without even looking at him.

 

But he doesn’t. He stays. He keeps holding Rodney in his arms and telling him that he loves him. Rodney is so happy he could burst, he can’t believe John feels this way about him.

 

It just seems too good to be true.

.

.

 **WARNING :** If you are sensitive to domestic and sexual violence, please skip ahead by 1 short section; the important elements, plot points, and character development should be clear enough without reading all the details.  
.  
I wanted to keep the following scene in the series separate as it gets pretty dark and goes into Rodney's backstory. In order not to reveal too much, I will only say, all is not what it seems...  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3 episode 5 "Progeny"  
> .  
> .


End file.
